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Confuzzled Helen

December 25th, 2007 | 4 Comments | Posted in being

Over the years, there have been some controversial friendships in my life. Some of them didn’t end very well, while others were more sensitive in their demise. As 2007 is coming to an end, I am realizing more and more that I need to let bygones be bygones, forgive and in some cases even forget, and move on with no remorse, regret, or even grudges. That last one took a really good long time to overcome. Trust me. :P
Sometimes, I felt the urge to rekindle past magic that has died. In other words, I’ve tried to make past friendships work again in the present. I’ve sent emails to old best friends, saying that I still love them and remember them and would love to try again and start over if they were up for it. I’ve made amends where things were well, and sometimes friendships were even rekindled. In fact, I’ve even made amends with some of my elementary school bullies, and we’ve become pretty good friends over the years. When beautiful things can come out of something that ended so negatively, I truly enjoy our flexibility as human beings, our willingness to forgive and to love again. After all, isn’t that why we’re all here?

Other times, my attempts aren’t so welcomed. At the best, they would get ignored. At the worst, I’d get responses back that were less than polite, to say the least. I’ve accepted those, and moved on. In many cases, I’ve even accepted their requests to never contact them again, to leave them alone, to let bygones be bygones, to pretend there wasn’t even a friendship. I’ve respected their request at privacy and solitude, at least from me.

What really confuses me, then, is when these same past friends, who last asked me to more or less “leave [them] the fuck alone,” come out of the blue and send me an email or leave a comment or message me out of the blue to ask how things are going and that they’re thinking of me. What the hell? I don’t understand. I am left befuddled and utterly confused. Weren’t these the same people who not even a year ago told me to go screw myself and that they didn’t want anything to do with me? Didn’t they request that I left them alone and stop trying to reconcile with them and never contact them again? Why, then, would they turn around and contact me out of nowhere, pretending they never said any of that?

I work hard at moving on. I work hard at not holding grudges. I work hard at letting the past stay in the past. I don’t appreciate when people out of nowhere confuse the hell out of me. I appreciate if they were more upfront. What do these people WANT of me? Do they want to rekindle a friendship? Do they want me to leave them alone? Do they want me to respond to their emails and ask how they are doing (because I’ve done that, only to get no responses at all)? What is their purpose in trying to contact me after telling me to go shove my face up my ass?

I don’t know. I just don’t get it. Can someone please enlighten me? I’ve had this happen several times in the past few months to the last year or so. Old friends who told me to go screw myself suddenly out of nowhere contact me and say, “Hey! Just letting you know I’m thinking of you!” And when I respond similarly, asking questions about how they are doing (because really, I don’t have any remorse or regrets and no hard feelings at all), they never respond back. It’s as if they are somehow trying to dangle a friendship carrot in front of my face, trying to entice me or torture me or remind me of what was lost. Why? Why? Can’t they just stay out of my life, like they’ve requested that I stay out of theirs? I’ve respected their wishes at being left alone — why would they not do the same of me?

Please, if you’re going to contact me again after telling me I’m scum of the earth, please have a clear point. I can’t be left all confuzzled and confused. I just won’t have it. And please don’t dangle anything in my face. I’ve long since forgotten why we were so close, and although I still hold you dear in my heart, I don’t really have any desire to start anything again, especially if I don’t even know if it would be worth it or reciprocated. Please, if you wanted to be left alone, just do me the same honor and leave me alone. If you want to contact me, at least respond likewise when I contact you back. Leaving me dangling just makes me feel like you’re trying your best to screw with my head.

And quite honestly, I don’t like my head screwed with. I’m pretty happy where I am right now. Thanks. :)

Unfinished Lists

December 25th, 2007 | No Comments | Posted in encompassed

You know what the biggest paradox of the universe is? It is when you’re going grocery shopping and you think you’ve got everything on the list, only to come home to realize that you didn’t get the one thing you set out to get, and even forgot to put it on the list. It happens to Dave and me all the time.

Okay, so I suppose it’s not exactly a giant paradox, but it sure is annoying. It’s just annoying because right now I’m sitting here cursing myself for forgetting to tell Dave to get more toilet paper rolls when he went out to do some brief shopping earlier. :P Sometimes it’s something mundane like that, and other times it’s weird stuff like perhaps a one touch can opener. Whatever it is, it’s always annoying to realize you’ve missed something that you really needed.

So, if you get a chance, remind me: we need more shampoo and toilet paper. :P That is all.

A Clean Home

December 21st, 2007 | 1 Comment | Posted in being

The house is an absolute mess. >.< I don’t like this one bit. There are boxes strewn all over the place (for Christmas presents still yet to be wrapped), and the kitchen looks like it’s finally got fed up and exploded. I need to do, like, 5 loads of laundry to just get caught up, and our table is an absolute mess. The extra two bedrooms are now just “junk rooms,” which drives me mad. Seriously, up the freakin’ wall. I can’t stand rooms that aren’t being used. Right now, this house is just way too big for us. We need to turn one of those rooms into the baby’s room (eventually), but the other room I can certainly do without. It’s just an extra room to clean, in my opinion.

I have to clean the bathroom too. It’s driving me nuts, how messy this house is. This weekend, I’m going to clean. I’m putting everything where it needs to be, including all of my skincare products (I hear Jane Iredale stuff is awesome, though I haven’t tried any myself), all of Dave’s hair products (for a dude with not much hair, he sure uses a lot of hair stuff), all the laundry off the floor, etc. I can’t wait. I’m getting all excited now. How geeky.

Metamorphing

December 15th, 2007 | 2 Comments | Posted in being

I’ve been feeling more and more energized lately, as I approach my 2nd trimester. Granted, I’m not as energetic as I usually am, but at least I’m getting back there. If only my back would stop aching, and my boobies would stop being so sore, I can actually get a really good night’s rest. Being pregnant is such a neat experience, I gotta say. I’m enjoying the process and am amazed at the transformation my body is making. It’s the most bizarre, yet beautiful thing in the world. I look in the mirror now and hardly recognize myself. My pants are too tight on me and they’re getting uncomfortable, and my boobies no longer fit in their usual regular bras. I didn’t realize how expensive pregnancies can become for the mother alone!

I gotta clean my car out too. There’s bits of trash and stuff all over the place, as I tend to throw things around when I’m done using them — usually while I’m driving. The other day I found golf balls underneath one of my car seats in the back. What the heck? Why are there golf balls in my car? O.o I drive clients around sometimes, so I’m guessing that’s where they came from, but still, what a conundrum. Heh. I also found ping pong balls, but those make more sense since we actually play ping pong. Weird.

Good Intentions

December 14th, 2007 | No Comments | Posted in connections

Dave and I have been talking a lot about how we want to raise our child. This baby is our lovechild, our miracle spirit, our everything-good. Baby Bean is so loved, it is hard for me to imagine just two months ago, before I knew s/he even existed in the first place. It is true what they say about children — you loved them before they were even a thought. I realize how much I have preparing myself for this moment, for this experience. I realize that all these struggles I’ve gone through is only so that I can some day experience this unconditional love. I feel as if my soul is being soaked in warm water, as if my limbs are being massaged by sunlight. This is our lovechild, in more ways than one.

The more I’ve worked with parents, the more I realize that every mother, regardless of whether or not she is a drug addict or teenager or a power executive president of a big company, or a stay-at-home wife, or anything else you can think of, has the best of the best intentions when she has a baby, whether or not that baby is initially “wanted.” Every decision a mother makes, consciously or unconsciously, has the best of intentions for the child in mind. Even when the mother is wrought with drugs running through her system, cocaine in every movement of her day, meth controlling her every thought. There is another thought in there that lets her know she wants to do what is right and good for her child. Regardless of what her decision is at the end of the day — to abuse or to hit or to neglect or to kill — her intention is not to harm.

I believe that. I don’t know why, but I believe that we all have the best intentions when we have children. Sometimes those intentions aren’t met with reality, but the controversial factor is that humanity means well. We’re stupid and we’re selfish and we’re unforgiving, but every morning when we wake up, we mean well. We make mistakes and we cry and we get angry and we hurt and we kill and we murder and we shout and scream, but we always meant well before we do it.

The decision to give up a child, sometimes even before s/he is born, was also made with the best of intentions. Regardless of what the rest of us may think of the decision itself, the thought behind it was pure. It is not to harm.

The more I work with different types of mothers, this is what I keep seeing. The pattern of good intentions outweigh the hurt and the abuse and sometimes even the deaths of innocent young souls. I would rather behaviors match intentions, and in my perfect world where I am ruler, they do. :P But what keeps me driving in this imperfect world is that I know those who make mistakes did not set out at the beginning of that mistaken day with the thought and intention, “Gee, I’m going to do whatever I can to make my daughter/son miserable. Gosh darn it, I want to make his/her life suck as much as possible.”

Realizing this very paradox of our humanity — our good intention versus our sometimes inappropriate behavior, I wonder what kind of mother I will become. I wonder what kind of mistakes and regrets I will have. I wonder what kind of successes and pride I will come to know and familiarize myself with, like a blanket that keeps me warm at night. Whatever the future holds in motherhood for me, I know this much is true: I know I have every faithful intention to do good by this child. I know I want to do whatever is in my power to protect this child, to give this child unconditional love, and want, and beauty, and soul. I know I will love this child until my heart stops beating, and even then I will continue to love this child with everything that still exists in me, as my soul flies off into the next stage of life, of existence. I know I am now forever connected to another beating heart in such a way that is so powerful it brings tears to my eyes.

Whatever decision I make, whatever choices I give, whatever Dave and I do, I know in my heart of hearts that all we can do is do our best, give it our all, and hopefully, everything will work out in the end. Humanity doesn’t come with a manual. Parenthood doesn’t come with a know-all guide. We do what we can, and we hope that some day our children will understand, and forgive us for our mistakes, and still love us in return because regardless of where they go, of where we are, we will always hold them in our hearts. Always. Because at the end of the day, after our behaviors are done with and we have to live with the physical consequences that we make, we still go to bed at night with our every good intention. Our head still hits the pillow with every good wish for our children’s world. We still want what’s good. We may not know what it is, but we still want happiness and love and whatever is good for our children. We may not know how to give these things ourselves, but we still WANT.

We are not without want of good.

I have been a daughter all my life. It is the very act of forgiveness and acceptance that has prepared me to be a mother for the rest of my life.

Finally Ready

December 11th, 2007 | No Comments | Posted in gratitude

These days, there are a lot of things to think about, a lot of things to prepare for. The year 2007 has been so wonderful to me, and I feel truly blessed to have had such an awesome year, especially since the previous year wasn’t all that I had hoped for. Here are some wonderful highlights of 2007 that I am forever grateful for:

- got married to my best friend in July
- we got pregnant — Baby Bean is due next July
- made some wonderful new friends
- got a really good, stable, supportive job
- went on an awesome honeymoon and saw PYRAMIDS and RUINS!!
- this is a dream of Dave’s and mine ever since we met
- Gran making it through her cancer
- hearing George’s voice for the last time before he passed and knowing he’s safe now
- getting a new laptop
- reading some awesome books

I don’t know, this list doesn’t seem to really clue in how important 2007 was for me and my family and friends. I was telling Husband over here that 2007 felt like I finally became an “adult.” It feels like all these years before it, I was just “practicing” being an adult, without really being one. Now, I feel like I’ve truly mellowed out, am content exactly where I am, able to accept what is and what isn’t, and forgave a lot of things that happened in my life. I feel like this year gave me the opportunity to move on without anger, with lots of hope, with tenderness and especially, with love.

This year, I also took yoga more seriously. Not only has it been a physical journey for me, it has also been a spiritual one. With lots of meditation and sitting there accepting myself, I experienced tears, joy, sadness, happiness, forgiveness, fear, hate, love, and finally, throughout it all: acceptance. I’m finally in a place where I feel like I’m okay with everything around me. I’m okay with people around me. I’m okay with life. I’m okay with me. I’m okay.

This has been a long, hard journey. This was the perfect year for us to decide that we’re finally ready to bring a child into this world: our minds are focused, we’re okay, we’re content, and we’re accepting. What better mindframe than this to bring a child into this harsh world?