| Subcribe via RSS

The Short List

November 30th, 2006 | 2 Comments | Posted in gratitude

I’m trying to better understand the law of attraction by listing out all the things I am grateful for, so that they will continue to grow in my life. The more positive my mindset, the more positive my life.

1. Dave. I love my fiance like nothing else in the world.
2. Tink. She makes me happy just by looking at her.
3. Good friends. It’s cliche, but I think I have the greatest friends in the world.
4. Dave’s family. Thank the universe that they accept me for who I am, and love me as much as they do. I return the sentiments completely.
5. My family.
6. Snow and hot chocolate. Combined, of course.
7. Fire in the fireplace.
8. My new job. I’m so excited. :) 9. The prospect of getting my PhD.
10. My brain. I am ever so proud of my brain.
11. My confidence: I’m proud to be me and no one can take that from me.
12. Trees.
13. Books.
14. Sunsets.
15. Rainy days.
16. Scarves.
17. Knitting.

Gratitude and Dreams

November 28th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in being, gratitude, visualization

I’m going to try and start each journal entry with what I am grateful for from now on. Law of attraction states that the more we think about something, the more it becomes part of our lives. Therefore, it only makes sense that I think about positive things and things I want, so that I may receive more of them in my life.

1. I am healthy.

2. I am grateful for Dave coming into my life. His calm, quiet demeanor and his gentleness. His touches, and his smiles, and his faith and trust in me. Just… Dave.

3. Tink. This cat makes me so bloody happy and squishy, it’s absolutely amazing.

4. Having two hands to be able to use them to help others.

5. A heater every night when I go to sleep. It gets bloody cold sometimes.

6. Dave’s warm feet so that I may cuddle my own against them at night.

7. The series “Smallville.” I never got into it before but we’ve recently rented the DVDs and we’re both stuck on it. I guess it’s comforting to see someone with such great abilities willing and able to help others unselfishly, anonymously. I know it’s fiction, but we’re all Super(wo)man in our own right.

8. My sister. She may be a fucktard at times, but I love the butthead anyway.

9. Dave’s mother, Sylvia. I’ve always asked for a mother who will love me unconditionally, be proud of me, tell me she loves me, be kind towards me, speak to me in kind words, give me continuous hugs.. just.. a mother of my dreams who would always be there for me, who I would never doubt her love for me. And then I met Dave’s mother, and I found that the law of attraction, once again, works in mysterious ways. She isn’t my blood mother, but she makes up for what was always lacking in my life. I love my (future) mother-in-law. She treats me like I am her own daughter, and I appreciate her to no end.

10. Dave’s grandmother, Gran. I always try to make sure she knows how much I love her. I’ve never really been close to any of my own grandparents, and Gran has always always, without fail, accepted me into the family. She is so kind, understanding, loving. I can see where Sylvia got her example of love. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for Gran, because she asks for so little, and gives us so much.

11. Having good vegetarian beef, compliments of Yve’s. Dude. I used to miss strip beef, but this is just as good as the actual thing. I’m glad Dave and I have the strength enough to stay vegetarians even though we were voracious meat eaters. That’s true strength — when you do something you don’t want to do because you believe it’s the right thing.

12. My new job. I am grateful that my (new) supervisor, Toni, has enough foresight and faith in me to create a whole new position just so she can hire me. She re-arranged the entire budget department so that the non-profit agency can afford to hire me on as full-time. I am grateful that someone in her position is willing to look at me and see true potential, and give me a chance to fly. I’m grateful that I’m the first person ever in this agency to do what I do because no one’s ever done this particular position before. I can’t wait to get started. I can’t wait to be able to help people again, for a living. I’m grateful to be able to work in a non-profit, just as I’ve always wanted to. I know it pays lower than government/state jobs, but I also know that the money is put to good use, and no one’s taking advantage of the system here.

13. I’m grateful that my sister told me yesterday that my mother told her, “I think I need to stop talking about the negative things in Helen’s life, otherwise I will lose her.” Although I know my mom would never admit that to me herself, I’m grateful she finally sees I’m worth keeping. Even if just for a little while.

14. My LJ friends. I’m grateful for each and every one of all of them, because I hand picked them all myself. They bring their positive aura into my life, and I know that when I have nowhere else to turn, I can write to my heart’s content here, and they will understand. I am grateful for just their quiet, listening ears, and they always seem to know when I want comments too. ;)

15. I’m grateful for consignment stores and good will stores, so that I don’t have to go to huge department stores and waste hundreds of dollars on single items that were made in sweatshops for pennies a day. I’m grateful for the grassroots organizations and agencies around here to keep me sane when I want to “go shopping.”

16. My books. Oh, my books, my books, my books. And gift certificates to the bookstore. That’s all I want for Christmas, all I want for my birthday, all I want for presents, period.

17. I’m grateful for “The Allegiance” video game on Playstation. Dave and I have been playing it together, and I must say, I’m kinda addicted. I never really get addicted to video games. Seems kind of silly to me, but it gives me and Dave some time spent together while his computer is still down, and it kinda feels like we’re two superheroes fighting the good fight together.

18. I’m grateful for my yoga teacher. She’s one of those people who you can’t help but be happy and smiley around, simply because she exudes positive energy everywhere she goes. Her calm nature makes me think more objectively, less panicky about my life situation, and have faith in the universe.

19. Japanese udon noodle soup. And getting Gran addicted to Japanese food, most particularly tempura. I have an ally with me now whenever I want to go out for Japanese food. Hehehe.

20. Saying “I love you” to Dave about a hundred times a day, and hearing it back just as often. I’m grateful that it rolls off our tongues so damn easily, and that we don’t take it for granted.

21. My camera. I love my camera. When I have motivation and inspiration, I can create great pieces of art (even if you don’t agree ;P).

I have a lot of dreams in my life. They’re pretty simple, if you compare them to the regular American dream, with people wishing for million dollar homes and fancy cars and whatnot. My dreams consist of simple achievements. I want my PhD, I want to marry the love of my life, I want children, I want a nice little home by the water, I want to help people, I want to make a difference, I want to one day create an agency solely dedicated to charity and giving back to my community. I have a lot of dreams.

And I’m going to make each and every single one of them come true. Because I can, and there is nothing short of accidental death that will stop me. And even then, I will come back in my next life, and continue where I left off. I am going to achieve each and every one of them. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Simply because I believe I can, I will. Simply because I can see myself holding my PhD diploma, I will. Simply because I can see myself with children, I will. Simply because I can see it happening, it will happen.

You just wait and see. You just wait and see.

Sick Together

November 19th, 2006 | 1 Comment | Posted in being

I think the only good thing about being sick as a dog is being sick as a dog with your fiance. We’re having a contest over who can whine the most. I think he’s winning.

My Struggle

November 18th, 2006 | No Comments | Posted in encompassed

How is it that war still exists today?

When I first started to open my eyes towards the headlines of today’s news and current events, I was surprised at what I saw, what I found, what I read. Dave and I were watching “My Name is Earl” this week, and it was an episode about how Earl suddenly learned what global warming means, and the potential effects of it on earth life. I remember it was exactly how I felt when I started opening my mind, listening, reading, seeing. It wasn’t just “Oh, there are more bad news in the world.” Something clicked, something finally reached home, and I suddenly had this huge desire to change myself, and in turn change the world. It wasn’t enough to just know, I had to do something about it. I had to create and promote change.

And then the feeling became much too big, like in “My Name is Earl.” I felt overwhelmed, as if I was one of the very few who are willing to do anything about the problems we’re facing, and the problems that would eventually kill us and our future children and grandchildren. Suddenly, it was “me against them” mentality. I had to change not just myself, but I had to change everyone. And the more I do, the more I realized there is much more to do.

Recycle everyday. Stop using plastic. Eat only organic foods. Drive less. Ride the bike more often. Get rid of my car. Turn off all the lights and use candles instead. Take advantage of solar energy. Stop using hairspray. Stop using chemically affected soaps and self-care products. Stop buying into the advertisements and commercials that tell me I should live one way — their way — to be happy.

It all became mind-boggling. It all became too much. And I found myself getting saddened, depressed. How am I supposed to do all of this by myself? How am I supposed to spread these news when most people don’t care? How am I supposed to promote change when most people won’t listen? It became too much.

And every so often, I would find myself giving up. Fuck it, I’d say. What does it matter if I change or not? I’m not going to see anything life-altering in my lifetime. We’re all going to die, because we’re all too stupid to realize it, and we’re all too fucking lazy to change what we already know, what we’re already comfortable with. We’ve all become a bunch of lazy, shopaholic slobs who wait each week for our favorite shows to come on. That’s what we’re all living for. Fuck it, I’d say. I’m not changing anything. I’m not changing anyone.

And then something hits again, and the novelty of the first knowledge came back. Oh my god, I’d think. Oh my fucking god. I can’t be like them. I can’t continue to be like the masses. I can’t continue to be part of the problem. I can’t continue to just sit and pretend I don’t know, pretend I don’t care, pretend I can’t get out of my lazy comfort zone to do something good, something different, something against the grain. I want to be part of the change. And if I’m not, at least I can die knowing that I’ve at least tried.

At least, I am trying.

It is the trick of staying in the middle way. Keep the novelty of the valuable knowledge alive. The “click” feeling that I know something, and it is no longer enough just to know. I have to do. And it is the trick to have this novelty of knowledge, all the while not getting overwhelmed with what I can do, what I must do, what must be done, what must be changed.

Everyday, I struggle with this. I work hard at change. I may not talk about it a lot, but it is constantly on my mind. The guilt that eats at my pores, knowing sometimes I slip and I’m not doing all I should be doing, all that I can do. The pride that I find myself when I’ve given up something that should be given up (like shopping at Old Navy or The Gap or buying new Nike shoes that cost 2 cents to make, $80 to buy). My struggle is good. My struggle is great.

My last supervisor told me, “You struggle, but you are among good company.” It is the struggle to go against the grain, to go against the mass, to question the “ideals,” to want something different, to know there is more, to know there is another way of life, to find it, to love it, to teach it, to learn from it. It is the struggle that is always around. The struggle to promote change, the struggle to teach others, the struggle to continue to go on when all else seems to point to “fail.” At least, I am in good company.